Anxiety

Ok, I think I’m finally ready to share my deepest darkest secret with the world. And I need to write this blog for myself and for others who may need to hear it.

I suffer with Anxiety. Horrible, elephant on my chest*... panic attack…anxiety….

Yes! Me!  Can you believe it? I couldn’t either for a long time.

But now I do. Hi, I’m Bri-I love Jesus, I have a wonderful family, and love to have fun…. and I suffer from Anxiety. Where does it come from? Well here is just a little medical info with Bri’s lingo.

My Doctor said my cortisol levels are so high that it makes me constantly feel as if 10 DINOSAURS are chasing me. Most of her patients with high cortisol has only have ONE dinosaur. Your cortisol is your “fight or flight hormone” that prepares you for danger-makes your heart rate increase, helps you breathe quickly for more oxygen, makes your stomach ready to empty itself so it can run faster. Cortisol is good in the right situation like when facing a dinosaur. But for me, my body thinks my everyday stresses of life is worth putting out boo-coos  of cortisol. Driving on a highway, being in crowded places, hearing my children fighting or being super whiny are all situations that can set me off. The cortisol makes my heart race, my chest to tighten and sometimes causes me to hyperventilate which can lead to dizziness and shakiness. It can really feel like a heart attack-which of course increases further panic. I’ve needed a few hospitals and Doctor visits to convince me I didn’t have any heart of lung problems. NOT fun. Some days it is more mild and I just feel a little more “on edge” as I call it and feel these symptoms to a more milder degree. But nonetheless, I can feel a rush of cortisol through my bloodstream pretty constantly.

It started when I became a Mommy. Well, to be fair I‘ve always been a bit of a nervous person and visited the bathroom often during big moments such as the first day of school. But those were very situational times of nervousness. Now, it occurs in daily life. The panic attacks began when Motherhood did. And more specifically, during the past year or so. Where did they come from? My mind or my body? As my Doctor says, that question has the same answers as the “chicken and the egg” question. They are very- very interrelated.

Sometimes, it seems purely physical, I haven’t been worried about anything, life is going as normal, yet I still feel those short of breath/heart racy/ shakey feelings. Many of my hormones, thyroid levels, and nutritional markers are all out of whack. My body is responding to all that stress within the body itself. This is made evident by the fact that I feel better during certain times of the month and even certain times of the day. I also feel differently based on what I've been eating or NOT eating. 

It is also due to the natural worries & fears that come with Motherhood.  I recently read a blog about how Mom’s are “hypervigilant”-always aware of dangers around their kids. So I am that much closer to the need of releasing that cortisol with my two boys. This blogger also goes onto talk about how multi-tasking can increase your cortisol. Oh my, multitasking is my middle name-no wonder I have cortisol issues! And worries definitely exasperate the symptoms. I can be my own worst enemy.  Hearing a horrible news story, relaying the details over and over in my head and imagining my own family suffering a horrible tragedy is NOT helpful. Allowing the behavior of my children to stress out my body and brain so much that all I can do is weep or yell, is not good for those stress levels either.  Googling over and over again my symptoms can sure make it worse too.  And sometimes I panic about having a panic attack..a vicious cycle! Even right now, I am anxious about posting this blog!

Thankfully, I have learned through this past year to manage anxiety in a way that it does not take over my life. And those things I will share in another blog….to be continued!!! I’ll give you a hint though…it involves evaluating both the heart AND the body.

**Thank you Ellie Holcomb for that illustration..she is a Christian singer/songwriter who shared at an event about her own struggles with panic attacks.