Quarantine Cocooning

Quarantine isn’t new to my family. Two years ago when we adopted our daughter, we took about 6-8 months to quarantine ourselves away from the world. We needed to keep her world small. We kept her from contact with anyone outside the five of us in our family. We watched church online. We had food delivered. We restricted her physical contact with others. Sound familiar??

But back then, we had a much nicer word for it...

Cocooning

A caterpillar needs time to hide in it’s miraculous chrysalis so it can grow and transform before it faces the world, and so did our daughter. So we “cocooned.” Our daughter needed to be taught who her new & true parents were. She needed her brain physically rewired to learn:

“Mommy and Daddy are the ones who are to care for me.”
“Mommy and Daddy are the ones I run to for comfort.”
“They are the ones with authority over my life.”
“They hold a special place in my life that no one else can.”

She grew up in a group home, such a loving and caring group home that I hesitate to call it an orphanage. But God designed babies to grow up with the one on one care of a Mommy and Daddy, not groups of caregivers with groups of babies.

She was used to getting her needs met by many different adults and she brought those tendencies into her relationship with us going up to total strangers, flashing a cute smile and looking to them for special attention and care. She would look for them to talk sweetly to her, go up and sit in their laps, reach out for them to hold her and pick her up. Showing “indiscriminate affection” as they call it, an unhealthy behavior very common in children raised in a group home.

Before she interacted with the world, she needed to develop the attachment to us that she missed out on as an infant.  A secure attachment with us lays the groundwork for healthy relationships in her future. A secure attachment is the foundation for the rest of her development-physical,emotional, mental. She needed that relationship with us to be strong before she could flourish. 

And so we cocooned.

We spoon fed her. We bottle fed her. (Yes, at 3 years old). We looked her in the eyes. We sang and rocked and sang and rocked some more. We did playdough with her. We held her hand and walked around the house. We put her in a carrier to walk around the world. She was emotional and full of fear because her world completely changed. It was exhausting and time consuming and lonely and hard.

But each time we did these things a new pathway was formed in her brain-with each meal, with each snuggle, with each song-the pathway in her brain got deeper and deeper. The brain knowledge would turn into heart knowledge:

”Yes, this is my Mom and Dad. They Care for me. They love me. I can trust them.”

There were also Pathways that formed in our own brains, telling us that yes, this sweet child who's needs I have met over and over again is really mine. This child whom I have looked into the eyes of and sang and rocked continuously must be special to my heart. I know many people fear coming into adoption because they believe they could never love another child like their own. And it's true. You cannot love a child who is a stranger like your own. But the beautiful thing that happens when you build these pathways in your brain, this emotional attachment is that THEY BECOME YOUR OWN. This child who was a stranger to our family  now our daughter. OUR daughter.

And I realized that this time of Quarantine we find ourselves in, that the whole world finds itself in could really be made into a beautiful time of …

Cocooning.

If we don’t let it slip by this can be a time to train our hearts and minds to remember

Our true Father
Our Caregiver
Our Comforter
Our Keeper
Our God

For those who trust in Christ as their Savior, we have been legally adopted by God through the sacrifice of his blood. He is our legal and true Abba father.  The one who cares for our needs. The One who gives us comfort and security. The one who loves us immeasurably and we can trust with everything in us.

While we cocoon, He is rewiring our brains and hearts.. 

When He meets our needs day by day our mind learns and relearns over and over again that indeed we can trust him. When He brings up peace through reading His Word we know he is the one we can run to for comfort. When He brings conviction to our heart, we learn that He has authority over our lives. When he meets us in times of worship, we see clearly how He holds a sacred place in our life that no one or nothing else can. Oh for Grace to trust Him more…

“This is my God. He cares for Me. He loves me. I can trust Him."

There were times where we thought we were making progress bonding with our daughter so we would bring her somewhere in public. But then she would reach up to a stranger, her little hands signaling, “Pick me up, pick me up!” And our heart would break. In those moments she reached out to others it felt almost as if she was…

Cheating on us.

She was flirting with the world around her, with complete strangers that have never once truly showed her love and care.And I understood then what God means when he says He jealously yearns for His children. We had worked SO HARD. So so hard to show her, teach her, display to her how much we loved and cared for her. We showed her over and over and yet she still chose to go back to her old ways of seeking comfort and attention from the outside world. She would forget that we were the ones with the title of Mom and Dad and not anyone else. And so we would take another step back and continue to cocoon.

And I can see so many ways that we (myself included) have also forgotten who our True Father is.  The Lord has shown us over and over again how he care for us, yet we go back to our old ways and old lives. We have run away from him and towards anything and everything else to give us the care and attention we crave.

We have cheated on Him
Yet He is jealous for us.

And so here we are in this time of quarantine, but a quarantine can be used as a time of cocooning.  He has striped away all these things we were running to instead of him. It's all gone- our busy schedules, our perfect plans, our financial stability, our confidence in our health, our time with friends, and even our time in church. The things of this earth are fleeting and unsecured and we won't flourish if we keep depending on these things.

We are emotional, fearful, and exhausted but He is there. Now it’s just time with us and Him.  (That is, if we put down our phones.) There is nothing left in this world we can run to to say “pick me up, pick me up!” because HE wants to be the one to pick us up, He wants is our only secure place to run to nothing else in this world. Because a close and secure connection with Him is the only way we will flourish.

Two years later, how is our daughter doing? She clearly knows who her Mommy and Daddy are. She runs to us when she is fearful. She runs to us to get her needs met. She is hesitant to go to unfamiliar places without us. And she does not reach up to total strangers anymore. We still have work to do to build attachment, it’s a work in progress and always will be. But our relationship is stronger and better. She has grown and transformed in amazing ways and she has emerged from her cocoon like a beautiful butterfly.

When she runs to us, my heart is full of Joy!
She knows and trusts she is ours and we are hers!

There is a time of taking flight ahead of us too. A time where we can literally emerge from our homes and the restrictions placed on us and go back into the world. And when we do so, we will come out totally transformed with renewed spirits & trust in our Father. I don’t think it’s an accident that this time of cocooning is during the Spring when new life literally surrounds us. Resurrection Day is a comin’ soon. 

But before we spread our wings, we have to grow. We have to “cocoon” with the Lord. To run back to him, and seek Him with all of our heart. And when we run back to Him, HE runs back with outstretched arms rejoicing that His child has come home. When we draw near to Him he PROMISES to draw near to us.

When we run to God, His heart if full of joy!

We are His and He is ours.

P.S. I was reminded by my hubby after writing the blog that we also quarantined

ourselves about 7 years ago when our little NICU baby was born.

We had to keep his little lungs safe during RSV reason. So we also watched church online

and limited our time in the outside world. So we are quarantine experts apparently. Doesn't mean

I particularily enjoy it though! Ha!

And funny thing is we will probably come right out of this Corona Quarantine into

Cocooning with our son whom we are set to adopt this summer! Quarantine is no fun

but His grace is sufficient!

Healing Hands

I recently had the best Doctor's appointment e.v.e.r

I am in Hashimotos REMISSION. The antibodies attacking my thyroid are GONE.

The yeast and bacterial overgrowth in my gut are GONE.

My Stress Hormone, cortisol, which was the source of many anxiety attacks is at an all time LOW.

About 2 years ago, I felt the Lord telling me to take a step of faith and begin the process of an international adoption. I had many hesitations at first. One was my health….

But Lord, my thyroid is still so sluggish…

But Lord, my Gut is a big mess and I have way too many food restrictions to make adopting from a foreign country even feasible..

But Lord, I still suffer from a these nasty anxiety attacks…

BUT GOD spoke to me in Isaiah 58 where God asks his people to care for the needy by feeding, clothing, and providing them shelter and says,

 "Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear.” (Isaiah 58:8a)

Then your healing will quickly appear...

We said Yes to adoption and began the process with full expectancy that in due time God would heal me. But still knowing that even if He chose not to, that His grace would be sufficient for me.

But He HAS!! Ya'll, HE is healed!! He is SO Faithful.

And just in time….

In February, we took our first trip to Taiwan to attend court and meet our little girl.  I felt energized. My food restrictions were very do-able. My anxiety was there, but very controllable. It was a nerve-racking trip of course, but God provided the calming manna I needed with each step of the trip.

And in just a few months we will bring our girl home.

He is Faithful even in the timing.

The healing process has been long and hard road for me. It's been about 3.5 years from the time I really got into Functional/Natural Medicine and really started changing my lifestyle. I wish I could say that there was a magic-pill that fixed everything. One special diet or supplement. But it's not so simple.

But what I do think, is that God most often brings healing when you put good things from His creation into your body. God values our physical body-He created us as fleshly beings and even took on Flesh Himself in the form of Jesus. There is no doubt that in His Fatherly love for us, He created so many things to help us in our human fleshly suffering.

Good pure food.

Healing Herbs.

Good bacteria.

Natural Medicine.

Like a seed, these are the things that I planted in my body. But it is only the Lord that has power to make things grow. These are the things He used to heal my human flesh. And through it all, he has refined my Spirit more and more to Trust Him.

He's not done yet.  I'm still not in a perfect place. I still have some work to do on my gut. I still have many food restrictions. I still get some acne. My anxiety will always be a thorn in my flesh. I still try to avoid my anxiety triggers. But He has brought me SO far.

And through it all I have become educated. I've become an advocate for my own health and the health of my family. I can use my own experience to bless others and guide them on their health journey, including my soon-to-be daughter!

A few years ago, I wrote a blog about some things that helped me physically, emotionally, and spiritually through a tough season of anxiety. Here, I wanted to share a few things that have been most helpful to me more recently. (And no, I don't get paid for these recommendations!)

This all may seem like a lot of time effort and energy. But you have to remember that I went through these in a course of a few years. I took baby steps. Before implementing the list below, I had aIready taken other baby steps like cutting out processed foods, limiting sugar, and going Gluten Free. I know I'm writing to an audience on various journeys on their health. My advice to you is to just take baby steps, and eventually you will look back and say, Wow! Look how far I've come! Look at what God has done!

Gut Thrive- Ok, this one is for the REALLY desperate people who want to heal their gut. The program is pricey and the program is hard-core. Think of it as a college course on the gut and a boot camp all at the same time. It was the key to me killing these super resistant pathogens in my gut and healing and sealing my gut. Plus, the level of knowledge I received is so invaluable because now I can apply it to the rest of my family. But I know Gut Thrive is not for everyone, but I DO think EVERYONE in the US needs to do some heavy duty work on their gut. Working with a Functional Medicine Doctor on this can be super helpful but here is a good place just for info: 4 Steps to Healing Leaky Gut

From the Gut Thrive Program, I learned about my 2 most Favorite Supplements:

Desiccated Beef Liver gives me so much energy! (and don't worry you can get it in a pill) It naturally has high amounts of vitamin A, iron and B vitamins that I really need with my MTHFR gene.

Colostrum-(from cows or goats) There are so many benefits to this liquid gold. For me it helped to seal up my leaky gut and get my immune system back in order. A superimportant one!

The AIP diet. -probably THE hardest diet ever. But so helpful for anyone with an autoimmune disease! The book was great for a biology/anatomy nerd like me, because she shows you exactly how these offending foods can trigger autoimmune disease. It made me much more motivated to implement it. But it's not a forever diet, once you start improving you get to add many of the restricted foods back in. I was on this diet for a year, but am now enjoying many of the restricted foods again.  I think this diet is a big part of my Hashimotos reversal.

I am at a place where I feel I can relax more in regards to my health. I'm not going through any of these crazy programs or diets anymore, but the principles I learned from them have become just a normal integrated way of life. I am so thankful for the God who Heals. For a God who teaches. For a God who provides. Whose power has been displayed through my weaknesses. It is in His power I boast.

When you can't hold your baby...

I kiss my phone a lot. Yeah I know phones are germy., and now mine is even more so..but HER photo is there as the background wallpaper image.

Every time I see her photo my heart feels a bit of a thrill and a bit of an ache. I am so thrilled that God has answered our prayers with this precious little girl. But my heart aches because I just long to hold her. There is something about holding a child that bring a sense of belonging for both the child and the parent. A sense of security. A sense of closeness. And I want this so bad with her. She is just so precious to me and I don't even know her yet. 

I had this same ache to hold my 2nd born when he was born prematurely and the Doctor's whisked him away in a plastic box at birth rather then letting me hold him close for the skin to skin precious bonding time. I had to wait a day to hold him. I had to wait a month to hold him without tubes in the way. That wait...that wait was tough but different...

This time she is across the ocean and I am faced with many many more months of waiting as we finish meeting the legal requirements. And then waiting probably several weeks or months for her to even recognize me as Mom. For what comfort is there in being held by a stranger? I'm waiting to scoop her up in my arms and enjoy the fact that she KNOWS me!. To hold her as I wipe away her tears. To hold her when she wants to read a bedtime story. To hold her just because I am her Mom and I love her so. 

I have past blogs (and here) on how our Motherhood (and Fatherhood) can give us a glimpse to the heart of God as our Father. God our Father longs to Hold us too.

He has already crossed oceans and moved Mountains to for us. He has already met the legal requirements for us to belong to Him. But it's not the ocean and a bunch of paperwork that stop God from holding us.

For some, it is because they do not yet recognize Him as their Loving Father. Why would you want to be held by a stranger?

But even those who do know him as Father can refuse to be held by Him. He has made us, he has rescued  us, and He wants to carry us and sustain us. But somehow, even though his arms are nearby waiting to hold us, we fight them. We rely on our own weak arms to carry ourselves. We run to the distraction of technology to comfort us, rather then His arms. (I'm preaching to myself here). We are afraid of letting Him hold us because we're afraid he will be angry about the mess we have made of our lives. We are too busy to just sit and enjoy being with him because HE loves us and we are His.

Or, like my premmie baby with tubes, there are too many physical ailments, maybe anxiety of depression, that inhibit us from truly feeling His arms even though we know they are there. (but that is whole other blog)

I LONG to hold my baby. I LONG for her to know me as Momma. The Waiting is SO hard. But for now I find comfort in the God who I know is already holding her and is holding me too. But I have to let Him. He is SO ready.

Don't Fight the Hands Holding You

Anxiety: Evaluating the Body

Evaluating the Body 

(Part 3 of my BLOG series on Anxiety)

See Part 1, or Part 2 here

I don’t claim to know it all. I don’t have a Dr. in front of my name. I am not 100% better physically. But I have found significant healing over the course of this past year. Below are my top 10 practical tips for those suffering with Anxiety and really any other mental/emotional disorders.  I hope that what I have learned can help others on their own journey to healing.

1.       Find a Holistic Doctor. One that looks at your whole body, your diet, your lifestyle, and can figure out how your symptoms can be relieved through all of those avenues. A doctor that practices “Functional Medicine” will be your best bet and one who is a D.O. instead of an M.D. is more likely to be Holistic (through not always the case.) Read reviews online, ask around in Holistic Facebook groups for references in your area. They do exist and if you find one you will be blessed!

2.       Understand your symptoms. The more I learned about the biology of my body and the symptoms I was experiencing the less scary they were. Learning about WHY I had a racing heart, shortness of breath, and heart palpitations stopped the vicious cycle of being anxious about those very symptoms caused by anxiety.  Just focus on a few trustworthy websites that can explain anxiety attack symptoms or depression symptoms and then STOP googling after that! Reading about it over and over I have found to cause me more anxiety. But learning about it once and moving on is a good thing! These two websites were helpful to me with good explanations of anxiety disorders (although I don’t know if I would fully recommend the treatment options they suggest for everyone.)    Calm Clinic or  Progesterone Therapy

3.        Understand your OWN body and THEN supplement. There is not a one size fits all prescription for any disorder like this. I made the mistake of taking a ton of different supplements before getting evaluated and later found out some of those things were actually hurting me! Bloodwork that includes testing for hormones, thyroid, genetic conditions, vitamin and mineral levels, etc can give you a better idea for what your body is lacking. For example, I was low on fish oil and vitamin D, so that is what I kept taking. I have really high cortisol levels, so I started an herbal supplement that helps balance cortisol levels. I am also on a prescription for MTHFR, a genetic condition connected to mental disorders that I would suggest you learn about too. Using more precision with your supplements puts less stress on your body and wallet!

4.       Record your symptoms and the circumstances surrounding them. Keeping track of when and where your symptoms occur and give you BIG clues for what may be causing them. Time of day, time of month, during stressful times, during times of no stress, during the middle of the night…etc. For example, my panic attacks were WAY worse in the morning then the afternoons, a clue to having high cortisol issues since your cortisol levels naturally are higher in the morning. If you are a woman, paying attention to when in your menstrual cycle they occur can give big clues as to whether you may have an imbalance of estrogen/progesterone of possibly thyroid issues. Keeping track of other signs and symptoms such as acne flare ups, hair loss, waking temperatures can also help to give big clues. There are lots of apps out there that track your cycles and symptoms which can be very helpful! Once again, your Holistic Doctor could help you see a pattern and use that along with bloodwork to pinpoint where you may need a prescription.

5.       Figure out your Triggers and ReTrain your brain. There are some triggers that are best to totally avoid like caffeine or really suspenseful shows (I had to give up Dr. Who!) but other triggers may be a part of daily life and you need to change how you approach them. For example, a big trigger of panic attacks for me was driving. It didn’t matter if I felt good all day, the second I got in the car my heart started racing and the minute I got on the highway my panic attack would begin. All because I had trained my brain to react like this and was stuck in this pattern. So I had to Retrain my brain to react calmly, when I got in the car. I started taking back roads everywhere so I was more relaxed, I would make it a point to have fun conversation with the kids as we started driving, I would “practice” driving on the highway when my husband was with me. And eventually those patterns in my brain broke and I can now drive no problem. My brain was also trained to start being anxious every morning as I started my day. Going on a week long trip to Florida also helped me get my brain rewired and when I came back I felt much more relaxed about life. Perhaps you get major anxiety when going to bed-maybe you can try to retrain your brain by sleeping upside down or reading a calm book before bed. We’ve got to break those vicious brain neuron pathways!  

6.       FOOD…FOOD ..FOOD…This one is the biggest challenge but also the most rewarding. I had felt so much better after taking pills for my cortisol, thyroid and hormone imbalances the changes in my DIET have led me to feel almost my WHOLE NORMAL self again. Going on a low sugar and low glycemic diet worked wonders to keep my blood sugar stable. When my blood sugar was stable, then I was stable. I learned all about how to do that through these lovely ladies: Trim Healthy Mamas And then, taking a food sensitivity blood test helped me to pinpoint what exactly my body was reacting to in a negative way.  I was sensitive to A TON of different foods-like broccoli, lemon, gluten, oats, dairy…a tell tell sign of a leaky gut. These foods were producing inflammation, causing my body to produce antibodies against itself, and raising my cortisol levels in order to attack the food which it saw as an invader in my body. Since cutting out everything I have been sensitive to, I have felt SO SO much better. My worst enemies- my ANXIETY and my ACNE have both decreased significantly! I am on a special protocol with enzymes, probiotics, etc for healing a leaky gut and hope to soon be able to eat all of those foods again without problems. Has it been hard? YES? Do I miss my cheese and bread? YES. Is it worth eating again? NO WAY JOSE.

7.       GET more SLEEP. We all know this helps immensely with mental and physical health. When I stay up past midnight, my body shifts into fight or flight mode again as it fights to stay awake and makes it impossible to sleep. When I don’t bet good sleep, I feel more on edge and anxious the day after. The most restorative sleep happened between 10pm and 2am (somewhere I read) so laying down by 10 is important… Now if I could only Practice what I Preach!!

8.       Avoid Multitasking. Another one where I need to do better at practicing what I preach. Whether it Is your brain or your body multitasking, it can really lead to higher stress and anxiety levels. A practical thing that has helped me is to only allot a certain time frame in the day to be on the internet. Otherwise my brain is in all different places and it is not good for my mothering nor my marriage nor myself! And for tasks around the house, I try to do one thing at a time. Super-hard, but I feel much calmer through the day. Love this blog about multitasking.

9.       Find your HAPPY place. Sounds lame and all yoga-like, but really. Find what relaxes you. Find what will produce more Serotonin (the happy hormone) that can combat all that anxiety or depression. Maybe it is yoga. Maybe it is bubble baths or watching the Office.  Maybe reading an inspiring book or devotional. For me it is being outside in the quiet, just observing God’s creation. Or just laying down on the carpet in my living room on my back doing some stretches. Where do you get those peaceful serotonin surges?

10.   Remember above all that the Lord knows your body best. Pray pray pray for healing. Ask your friends to pray for healing. He is faithful whether He chooses to heal or not. I am thankful He chose to heal me through all the ways that I have mentioned above. Praise the Lord! I give HIM all the Glory!!

Anxiety: Evaluating the Heart

As Promised, Here is a continuation of my Blog on Anxiety: Evaluating the Heart of it All.......

My favorite Bible verse back in high school/college was  Philippians 4:6 “Don’t worry about anything but pray about everything…” I called it my Hakuna Matata verse…enter Timon & Pumba’s voice here:”it means no worries for the rest of your days…”

But this verse just wasn’t “working” for me. It’s not that I didn’t believe these things. It’s not like I didn’t know that God was in total control of my life and He loves me so much that I should have nothing to be afraid of or worry about. But as much as my heart wanted to believe it, my mind and body had a hard time listening and applying that truth. There were times that the Scriptures sounded hollow. But I knew how important it was to keep seeking truth-- even when I didn’t feel like it. Especially when I didn’t feel like it.

One Sunday, my friend Rayellen  shared her story about going through the hardship of a miscarriage and she encouraged us that “even when we don’t feel like singing, to let someone sing over you…even when you don’t feel like reading Scriptures, let them be read over you…” She put to words what I felt like I had been doing over the course of this year in Bible Studies, in Worship services, in Counseling sessions. Letting Truth just wash over me- - in moments where seeking it myself almost felt impossible.

And God was so faithful to meet me and speak to me during those moments. Here are some of the nuggets of Truth:

Jesus shares my Suffering

My good friend Leah pointed something special out to me..JESUS had a panic attack. Jesus!! The perfect God-man who was Sinless!! In the garden of Gethsemane as Jesus prayed, he dripped sweat drops of blood. This condition is said to occur during times of high stress, acute fear and intense mental contemplation. Jesus himself has a crazy physical reaction in his body during a time of high stress. And I can bet he experienced some pounding heartbeats and shortness of breath along with that.  It is NOT sinful for my body to react the way it does. What freedom there is in that thought! And what is even sweeter is that My sweet Savior can totally sympathize with me in my weakness. He has been there and He understands my heart, mind AND body.

We can follow the example of Jesus’ suffering in our own sufferings. Last fall, our church did a whole sermon series on Suffering and each and every sermon gave me Words I really needed to hear. 

My favorite sermon was looking at the ways in which Jesus suffered well. I don’t have the space to write about it here, but encourage you to give it a listen.

My Suffering should be my Servant NOT my Master

I was longing and longing to get out of my bondage to panic attacks and anxiety. So tired of the suffering. So ready to be healed. I remember wondering how on earth God expected me to be a good wife and mom while I suffered with this. That if he would just heal me, then I could jump into some kind of ministry and serve others.

Finally, I realized that I needed to allow my suffering to be my servant NOT my Master (a thought from my favorite sermon).  I had let my suffering be an excuse and was letting it rule over me.

Why did I continue to ask God to take my Thorn away, when He was using it to teach me that His Grace was sufficient for me as I parented my children? (2 Cornin 12:9) What if God could use every rush of adrenaline and pounding heart beat to remind me of the need for God’s power in my life?

What if I could minister to others BECAUSE of my suffering with anxiety and not IN SPITE OF it?

And this is exactly what God has done. My suffering has served to open up such a wide door of ministry to others that never would of happened otherwise. I have gained SO SO much understanding and compassion on those with mental disorders. Sharing my weakness with others has been a blessing as I’ve been able to comfort others with the Same comfort God has comforted me with.

My suffering has served as a way to see God take care of me through the hands of others. And it has also served as a way to deepen my relationships with others. So many women (and men) who have shared their story with me and given me comfort that I am not alone. So many sweet friends praying for me. Friends and Family helping out in practical ways, like giving me rides when I didn’t feel like driving or talking on the phone to me in some dark moments. And of course my sweet husband who has been so kind and understanding through it all. Figuring out a more flexible work schedule when I felt my worst, helping out with certain tasks I just couldn’t handle, and being a listening ear. What a blessing.

God is not Safe.….But He is Good

This beautiful idea is taken from Narnia and is one I am still trying to come to terms with. Sometimes seeking God himself is the very thing that makes me nervous. I’ve felt almost so comfortable in my fears that I’ve had a hard time letting them go. Like if I let go of the fear, then I would let go of some sense of control over a situation. And I am one who want to control-control-control!

And when I can’t control things I freak out.  I can’t control my children’s heartbeats, I can’t control crazy drivers on the road, I can’t control the crazy rainstorms. The idea that my very life and breath and that of my family are totally 100% out of my hands is a thought that has caused much anxiety for me. But GOD is Good. My verse of comfort is:

 Isaiah 46:4

“Even I to your old age and gray hairs

I will carry you.

I have MADE, I will BEAR,

I will CARRY, and I will SAVE.”

My tendency up until recently has been to totally distract myself away from any kind of anxious or scary thought. To totally run away and think of something lighthearted. It was working great for me! BUT recently I was challenged by a testimony at a Women’s luncheon to face my fears head-on and not run away from them. To stop and think that even if that scary thought does happen-God is still good. Even if this horrible thing happens-God is still good-Blessed be the Name of the Lord whether He gives or Takes Away. This has been really hard for me and really takes a leap of trust as I turn over each thought to Him.

My dear friend Amanda encouraged me to “Turn my anxiety into anticipation for what God will do.” I hope eventually I can get to that point!

Anxiety

Ok, I think I’m finally ready to share my deepest darkest secret with the world. And I need to write this blog for myself and for others who may need to hear it.

I suffer with Anxiety. Horrible, elephant on my chest*... panic attack…anxiety….

Yes! Me!  Can you believe it? I couldn’t either for a long time.

But now I do. Hi, I’m Bri-I love Jesus, I have a wonderful family, and love to have fun…. and I suffer from Anxiety. Where does it come from? Well here is just a little medical info with Bri’s lingo.

My Doctor said my cortisol levels are so high that it makes me constantly feel as if 10 DINOSAURS are chasing me. Most of her patients with high cortisol has only have ONE dinosaur. Your cortisol is your “fight or flight hormone” that prepares you for danger-makes your heart rate increase, helps you breathe quickly for more oxygen, makes your stomach ready to empty itself so it can run faster. Cortisol is good in the right situation like when facing a dinosaur. But for me, my body thinks my everyday stresses of life is worth putting out boo-coos  of cortisol. Driving on a highway, being in crowded places, hearing my children fighting or being super whiny are all situations that can set me off. The cortisol makes my heart race, my chest to tighten and sometimes causes me to hyperventilate which can lead to dizziness and shakiness. It can really feel like a heart attack-which of course increases further panic. I’ve needed a few hospitals and Doctor visits to convince me I didn’t have any heart of lung problems. NOT fun. Some days it is more mild and I just feel a little more “on edge” as I call it and feel these symptoms to a more milder degree. But nonetheless, I can feel a rush of cortisol through my bloodstream pretty constantly.

It started when I became a Mommy. Well, to be fair I‘ve always been a bit of a nervous person and visited the bathroom often during big moments such as the first day of school. But those were very situational times of nervousness. Now, it occurs in daily life. The panic attacks began when Motherhood did. And more specifically, during the past year or so. Where did they come from? My mind or my body? As my Doctor says, that question has the same answers as the “chicken and the egg” question. They are very- very interrelated.

Sometimes, it seems purely physical, I haven’t been worried about anything, life is going as normal, yet I still feel those short of breath/heart racy/ shakey feelings. Many of my hormones, thyroid levels, and nutritional markers are all out of whack. My body is responding to all that stress within the body itself. This is made evident by the fact that I feel better during certain times of the month and even certain times of the day. I also feel differently based on what I've been eating or NOT eating. 

It is also due to the natural worries & fears that come with Motherhood.  I recently read a blog about how Mom’s are “hypervigilant”-always aware of dangers around their kids. So I am that much closer to the need of releasing that cortisol with my two boys. This blogger also goes onto talk about how multi-tasking can increase your cortisol. Oh my, multitasking is my middle name-no wonder I have cortisol issues! And worries definitely exasperate the symptoms. I can be my own worst enemy.  Hearing a horrible news story, relaying the details over and over in my head and imagining my own family suffering a horrible tragedy is NOT helpful. Allowing the behavior of my children to stress out my body and brain so much that all I can do is weep or yell, is not good for those stress levels either.  Googling over and over again my symptoms can sure make it worse too.  And sometimes I panic about having a panic attack..a vicious cycle! Even right now, I am anxious about posting this blog!

Thankfully, I have learned through this past year to manage anxiety in a way that it does not take over my life. And those things I will share in another blog….to be continued!!! I’ll give you a hint though…it involves evaluating both the heart AND the body.

**Thank you Ellie Holcomb for that illustration..she is a Christian singer/songwriter who shared at an event about her own struggles with panic attacks.

Oiling to the Glory of God

God has given us so many great gifts in this creation of His. Sunsets, beaches, mountains, babies, and my favorite: chocolate! One other gift that I recently discovered from our wise and loving creator is essential oils. In this discovery, I am reminded of this verse:

^“ So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”

1 Corinthians 10:31

I like to include the use essential oils in the “whatever you do” category of this wonderful Scripture. When we use the oils, we have the opportunity to praise our Creator. When we learn about their chemistry and how they complement our bodies, we can be in awe of God’s infinite wisdom. When we rejoice in how they’ve helped to cure an ailment, we can be in awe of a loving God who pours out His healing gift upon us.

But just as with any part of God’s creation, His good gifts can be distorted. God placed on my heart three areas of caution from my life to share with you.

Worship the Creator and not the creation. When I first got into this world of natural healing and oils, I found myself running to these for help BEFORE running to the Lord. Before jumping into prayer, I would jump on the internet for help. But I encourage you to always run to Him FIRST and allow Him to guide and direct the steps you should take. Often He gives a peace about which oil to use or what else to try. He knows your body best and He even knows those oils best too! Sometimes His answer is just to do nothing and to trust Him, and that’s ok too. And when healing does take place, give all the praise to God for what He did! There is a big temptation to say, “Wow! Look what this oil did!” And yes, God may have used his creation in the oils to help, but He is still the healer. We can plant a seed and give it water but God is the one who provides the growth. Likewise, we can fill our bodies with all kinds of healthy stuff, but God is the one who provides the healing. 

Be a Light in the Oily Community. There are many false belief systems, such as the New Age movement, which have distorted the use of essential oils. Be on guard against these philosophies and language such as “Auras” and “Chakras”. Discern everything you hear using the Scriptures. Be aware that those around you, especially Eastern cultures, may associate use of the oils with false practices. You may need to avoid using them or even talking about them around such people. (See 1 Corinthians 10 for more)  When you share about them, be sure that you are always pointing to the Creator as the Healer. Perhaps as more Christians get into the essential oils market the false beliefs surrounding essential oils will dissipate. Let’s be a light in the oily community that embraces the gift of oils and more importantly, the Gift giver.

Remember your treasure should be in heaven. There is an overwhelming amount of oils and other products out there that can improve your health and let’s face it, they aren’t cheap! There is a big temptation to jump all in and spend all the money you have and maybe even all the money you don’t have to buy these products. If buying oils is causing you to be in debt or is taking away from the amount of money you give to the Lord, then you need to slow down. Are your oily treasures on earth taking the place of treasure you could be storing up in heaven? Give to Him first and then steward the rest well. At the same time, know that essential oils are a good investment in your health and in the long run that probably means a good investment financially. So set a budget to the items you can buy now and have a spouse or friend looking over your shoulder for accountability. Before purchasing something, I encourage you to pray, research, and ask more experienced “oilers” for advice.  I also encourage you share your oils with others with a pure heart not expecting anything in return.  Hold your oils with an open and generous hand toward others who may benefit from them.

Let us encourage one another as we use essential oils for the Glory of God! Let us use essential oils to worship our Creator. Let us remember to always seek out his truth. Let us remember that our true treasure lies in heaven.   And let us use them to point others to His healing love and power.

Let us be oily for the Glory of God!

Lessons from the Norovirus

The Lord has a way of teaching you best in those hard times. For me, it’s in times of sickness. Perhaps, this is the only time I am still enough to really hear him. Maybe those are the times when I am at my weakest so He is at his strongest. Most recently the sickness has taken on the form on the dreaded Norovirus, aka the Stomach bug.

You see, lately, I have become somewhat of a so called “crunchy” mom. Or maybe you know them better by the term "health-nut" or "hippie lady". Or the cute term: A Mommypotamus.  I use essential oils on my whole family, take a whole slew of vitamins and probiotics, make my own personal products and cleaning supplies, and am buying an increasing amount of organic groceries. So of course me first thought when faced with the stomach bug was, “How!? I am work so hard to keep my family healthy and now we’re all spewing out of both ends of our bodies!” And what’s worse is that I got the worst of it. And I got it TWICE, in two weeks and still am feeling repercussions of it days later. I am the one who takes the most vitamins and uses the most essential oils and I got sick the worst.

Enter: Lesson from the Lord:

Sometimes you can do all you can and nothing will work. Whether it's fighting an illness or something more serious. Sometimes the Lord just needs you to be still so He can work.  So HE can fight for you. In my case, He is fighting this virus for me. So what do you think I have been doing all day? Being STILL. Just laying down and resting as much as I can and letting the Lord work on my gut. Actually napping and not cleaning the house. And being STILL in my heart. Not fretting, trying a million different remedies, or searching endlessly online for the best natural solutions. Just being Still and trusting my Creator and my Healer. I’m still taking a few pills, using a few oils, and eating healthy foods, because I know God can use those. We can plant a seed and give it water but God is the one who provides the growth. Likewise, we can fill our bodies with all kinds of healthy stuff, but God is the one who provides the healing. But Sometimes....no Most-times... our part is just to sit back, be STILL, and let the Lord fight for us.


For more encouragement, see related post: An open letter from God to Crunchy Mothers

An Open Letter from God to Mothers (especially so called crunchy ones)

Dearest Mothers,

I have created you with a pure desire to care for and nurture your precious families. As life happens in this fallen world you will have a tendency to worry but please……

Run to Me first. Seek ME first. Trust ME first.

NOT a perfectly organic diet. I am the one who has cleansed you from all impurities.

NOT your favorite essential oil. I am the one who has every power to heal.

NOT super foods or supplements. I am the one can provide for your each every need.

NOT your anti-antibiotic and pro-pro-biotic views. I am the one who holds power even over the tiniest of organisms.

NOT chemical free household products. I am the one who protects you from all harm.

NOT a doctor, naturopath, or other health “expert.” I am the one who knit every cell of your body together and know even all the hairs on your head.

AND MOST OF ALL....

NOT GOOGLE. I have more infinite and unlimited knowledge then a search engine..or blogs...or social media...

These things are my creation and I have called them all good. BUT they are not ME. They are not your God. So please stop treating them like they are. I am your Creator. Please don’t worship the creation.
Care for your family with me by your side.  I will guide you. I will give you wisdom, you just have to ask. I have created all of these wonderful things for you to use to care for your family. But please SEEK ME first and then all these things will be given unto you.

Love,
Your Creator

2 under 2

“Wow! You’ve got your hands full!”

“Uh oh, here comes double trouble.”

These phrases and ones like them are things I hear ALL the time from strangers I come across.  I usually just smile and nod, or if I’m thinking on my toes, I’ll say something like. “Yes, my hands are full, full of good things!” And though I might have been having a good day, those little discouraging comments sometimes drag me down. I start to think, maybe they are right. Mothering my 2 kids under 2 really is double trouble. Maybe I should just throw up my very full hands and give up.

But then God pulls my heart back to the truth. To trust what HE says, not some lady at Wal-mart.  To trust what HE says over the lies from the world that children are a burden, an inconvenience, and even disposable. And what God says is that my children are a Blessing, a Gift, and Reward from Him. God chose ME to be their Mom. God used my body to create these two little beings! Two miniature people with eternal souls!  Souls who will have their very character shaped by my influence. Two souls that I can impact for eternity and who can impact others. What an amazing privilege that is! It still boggles my mind!!

With S’s birthday around the corner, my days of having 2 under 2 are coming to a close.  For 10 months now, I have had two babies running/crawling/rolling all over the house (for those of you doing the math, the boys are 14 months apart) They truly are a blessing but God doesn’t promise his blessings will always be easy!  Of course there are those moments I want to pull my hair out!  Those times when both babies are crying at the same time and I have to decide which one to help first. Those times when the nap schedules just aren’t lining up quite right and I can’t catch a break. Times when the toddler is testing the limits of wrestling with his baby brother. Eyes aren’t for poking and faces aren’t for sitting on!  And of course there are all the “fights” over toys because sharing sure does not come natural! I feel like a broken record all day saying the two phrases, “please be kind” and “do not take toys.” I’m sure my prayers sound like a broken record too, “Lord please give me patience...Lord please give me patience…oh and wisdom too….but please give me lots of patience..YOUR patience!!!”  And He does. He answers my pleas for patience abundantly.

But there are so so many more of the precious kind of moments. Sweet moments where I wish I could just freeze time. Like when they get so excited to see each other in the mornings. I think little J likes S more than anyone else by how much he squeals and kicks his legs when S is approaching. These two boys are going to (and already have) such an influence on the person that each will grow up to become. I’ve already seen my oldest. Having a little brother forces him to look outside himself. At an age when developmentally a  toddler should be self focused, he thinks of others. He brings J burp cloths, pats his back when he’s upset, brings him certain toys, offers him his food, makes him giggle all the time, smothers him with hugs, kisses and belly raspberries. I already see how having a brother so close in age is going to shape each of my boys hearts to have compassion, kindness, and deep care for others.

Those funny, laugh out loud moments have started too. Just yesterday, they were taking a bath together and all of the sudden Jo starts peeing upwards. S proceeds to giggle, stand up and starts peeing too. Somehow my bathtub acquired two yellow fountains! By this time, S Is giggling nonstop, J catches the contagious laugh and their Mommy couldn’t help but giggle too (with a little instruction about the toilet.) With two boys this is just the beginning of this kind of humor! 

My 2 under 2 have been such a joy to me and really are a blessing! Just look at the precious photos. How could anyone think they are double trouble!

By the way, if you see a mom at the store with her hands full of little blessings, please speak words of truth to her that will be encouraging! I’ll never forget my favorite grocery store comment from an elderly lady that I knew was sincere. “Wow, you have two boys. You are SO LUCKY.” I'm not just Lucky though. I am Blessed.

Mars Needs Moms!

"Mars Needs Moms" is one of the best kids movies that I've seen in a looooong time. (Thanks to the Christmas gift of Netflix from my awesome bro-in-law!) It will make you laugh, make you cry, and make your heart beat in suspense. It is clean and fun. And best of all it has

A GREAT MORAL:
 Moms are an essential, crucial and a special part of making a society work well. There is no replacement for a Mom. In other words, MOmS RoCk!!!

You can see why I liked this movie!!!Duhh!

But the last scene got me. Such a sweet moment. I think I actually started tearing up in this animated movie. Watch for yourself, You'll see why:

As I watched, I realized how natural it is for a Mom to do anything in her power to protect the life of her child. How natural it is for a Mom to give up her life in order that her child can live. I realized that I would do the same thing in this situation. Of course I would give S my helmet so that he would live, even if that meant that I would die. Choosing to protect my life instead of his is not even an option to me. He is my precious child and I love him more than words can describe. He is worth giving up my own life in order that He may live.

Then it hit me....those are exactly the thoughts of our Great Father, God himself. WE are His precious children that He loves more then words can describe. We are worth it to God for Him to give up His life in order that we may live. JESUS, God in the Flesh, died a horrible death so that we didn't have to. We have eternal life with Him! I think it came natural to our Heavenly Father to make this sacrifice for us. We are his precious ones, how could He not? Like the sweet Mom in this movie, He gave us his "helmet," He gave us His life.

1 Corinthians 15:3-4
"For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures"

Thankful

 My Thanksgiving festivities began this past Thursday at my ladies Bible study where we celebrated with a  huge turkey feast. We shared praises and how God has been working in our lives. I was just overwhelmed with a Spirit of Thankfulness for God's Faithfulness. Then to top it off, when I picked up Sam from the nursery  I saw that he had "made" his first craft at church! With his little yellow hand print on top of the die-cuts and Psalm 106:1.

That day I started a new tradition that I hope will continue throughout the years.  I put out a big dry erase board and markers out with the idea that everytime we thought of something we were thankful for we would add writing or pictures to the board. I can just envision  that board being filled up that day with scribbles of a toddler, Kindergarten level drawings of people that look more like spiders, and words spelled out so creatively! But of course, this year it was only Brodie and I adding to it, but we filled up our Thanksgiving board quick! We have so much to be grateful for!

Thinking about this past year, there are two major prayers which we prayed often and God was so good to answer.

1. For a healthy pregnancy, birth, and baby. As you can see by looking at past blogs, God answered this one above and beyond everything we could ask for!

2. For a church home and friends in Fort Worth. After being discouraged so many Sundays by visiting churches and feeling like we'd never fit in to Fort Worth, God finally gave us a church to call home. We love Christ Chapel Bible Church so so much and it has provided many new friends for us too. We are so thankful that God answered this one very specifically.

He will Never Leave Me

On October 16, Brodie and I will celebrate our first wedding anniversary. This past year I have enjoyed so many aspects of marriage, like the free back massages, the late-night heart to hearts, learning about each others little quirks, laughing together at our bodily functions, etc, etc. But there is one thing that I think is my favorite part of marriage, and that is the sense of security I have. I know Brodie and I are in it till "death do us part" no matter what. The SECURITY, the COMMITMENT, the FAITHFULNESS is my favorite part of this thing called Marriage.

When we were dating, there were times I had a bit of a fear that Brodie would break up with me. I would be scared to let find out about weird habits or annoying quirks I had. I didn't want to tell him about things in my past for fear that he would like me less. He told me later that he had those same fears, those same tendancies. When I would tell him we needed to "have a talk," he would always, think, "oh, no, this is it, she's breaking up with me." When we were dating, there was no commitment. We were both free to leave each other whenever we wanted.

But now, as a marrid couple, we are STUCK! Stuck in a good way! God has united us in the covenant of marriage, and has super-glued us together if you will. It is a beautiful thing, being stuck with God's super glue to the one you love. I am free to be my weird self around Brodie without fear he will leave me!

What is even more beautiful is that this commitment between husband and wife is just a small picture of the UnBreAKaBle commitment God has with His people. For those who have entered into a covenant relationship with the living God by calling on Jesus for Salvation, He is ever faithful. He will not leave us no matter how much we think He won't like us. We don't have to live in fear that something we do will make God leave us or forsake us. In fact, He promised us the opposite, that he would NEVER leave us or forsake us. What a good God to help us see such a commitment in a tangible way in our daily lives through our marriages. But with God, there is no "till death do we part." With God, it's more like, "at death do we START!" Our face to face relationship with Jesus starts at death and last forever!


And now enjoy a fun memory of Brodie and I celebrating on the day we entered into the marriage covenent. Only one short year ago.