Anxiety: Evaluating the Heart

As Promised, Here is a continuation of my Blog on Anxiety: Evaluating the Heart of it All.......

My favorite Bible verse back in high school/college was  Philippians 4:6 “Don’t worry about anything but pray about everything…” I called it my Hakuna Matata verse…enter Timon & Pumba’s voice here:”it means no worries for the rest of your days…”

But this verse just wasn’t “working” for me. It’s not that I didn’t believe these things. It’s not like I didn’t know that God was in total control of my life and He loves me so much that I should have nothing to be afraid of or worry about. But as much as my heart wanted to believe it, my mind and body had a hard time listening and applying that truth. There were times that the Scriptures sounded hollow. But I knew how important it was to keep seeking truth-- even when I didn’t feel like it. Especially when I didn’t feel like it.

One Sunday, my friend Rayellen  shared her story about going through the hardship of a miscarriage and she encouraged us that “even when we don’t feel like singing, to let someone sing over you…even when you don’t feel like reading Scriptures, let them be read over you…” She put to words what I felt like I had been doing over the course of this year in Bible Studies, in Worship services, in Counseling sessions. Letting Truth just wash over me- - in moments where seeking it myself almost felt impossible.

And God was so faithful to meet me and speak to me during those moments. Here are some of the nuggets of Truth:

Jesus shares my Suffering

My good friend Leah pointed something special out to me..JESUS had a panic attack. Jesus!! The perfect God-man who was Sinless!! In the garden of Gethsemane as Jesus prayed, he dripped sweat drops of blood. This condition is said to occur during times of high stress, acute fear and intense mental contemplation. Jesus himself has a crazy physical reaction in his body during a time of high stress. And I can bet he experienced some pounding heartbeats and shortness of breath along with that.  It is NOT sinful for my body to react the way it does. What freedom there is in that thought! And what is even sweeter is that My sweet Savior can totally sympathize with me in my weakness. He has been there and He understands my heart, mind AND body.

We can follow the example of Jesus’ suffering in our own sufferings. Last fall, our church did a whole sermon series on Suffering and each and every sermon gave me Words I really needed to hear. 

My favorite sermon was looking at the ways in which Jesus suffered well. I don’t have the space to write about it here, but encourage you to give it a listen.

My Suffering should be my Servant NOT my Master

I was longing and longing to get out of my bondage to panic attacks and anxiety. So tired of the suffering. So ready to be healed. I remember wondering how on earth God expected me to be a good wife and mom while I suffered with this. That if he would just heal me, then I could jump into some kind of ministry and serve others.

Finally, I realized that I needed to allow my suffering to be my servant NOT my Master (a thought from my favorite sermon).  I had let my suffering be an excuse and was letting it rule over me.

Why did I continue to ask God to take my Thorn away, when He was using it to teach me that His Grace was sufficient for me as I parented my children? (2 Cornin 12:9) What if God could use every rush of adrenaline and pounding heart beat to remind me of the need for God’s power in my life?

What if I could minister to others BECAUSE of my suffering with anxiety and not IN SPITE OF it?

And this is exactly what God has done. My suffering has served to open up such a wide door of ministry to others that never would of happened otherwise. I have gained SO SO much understanding and compassion on those with mental disorders. Sharing my weakness with others has been a blessing as I’ve been able to comfort others with the Same comfort God has comforted me with.

My suffering has served as a way to see God take care of me through the hands of others. And it has also served as a way to deepen my relationships with others. So many women (and men) who have shared their story with me and given me comfort that I am not alone. So many sweet friends praying for me. Friends and Family helping out in practical ways, like giving me rides when I didn’t feel like driving or talking on the phone to me in some dark moments. And of course my sweet husband who has been so kind and understanding through it all. Figuring out a more flexible work schedule when I felt my worst, helping out with certain tasks I just couldn’t handle, and being a listening ear. What a blessing.

God is not Safe.….But He is Good

This beautiful idea is taken from Narnia and is one I am still trying to come to terms with. Sometimes seeking God himself is the very thing that makes me nervous. I’ve felt almost so comfortable in my fears that I’ve had a hard time letting them go. Like if I let go of the fear, then I would let go of some sense of control over a situation. And I am one who want to control-control-control!

And when I can’t control things I freak out.  I can’t control my children’s heartbeats, I can’t control crazy drivers on the road, I can’t control the crazy rainstorms. The idea that my very life and breath and that of my family are totally 100% out of my hands is a thought that has caused much anxiety for me. But GOD is Good. My verse of comfort is:

 Isaiah 46:4

“Even I to your old age and gray hairs

I will carry you.

I have MADE, I will BEAR,

I will CARRY, and I will SAVE.”

My tendency up until recently has been to totally distract myself away from any kind of anxious or scary thought. To totally run away and think of something lighthearted. It was working great for me! BUT recently I was challenged by a testimony at a Women’s luncheon to face my fears head-on and not run away from them. To stop and think that even if that scary thought does happen-God is still good. Even if this horrible thing happens-God is still good-Blessed be the Name of the Lord whether He gives or Takes Away. This has been really hard for me and really takes a leap of trust as I turn over each thought to Him.

My dear friend Amanda encouraged me to “Turn my anxiety into anticipation for what God will do.” I hope eventually I can get to that point!