Anxiety: Evaluating the Heart

As Promised, Here is a continuation of my Blog on Anxiety: Evaluating the Heart of it All.......

My favorite Bible verse back in high school/college was  Philippians 4:6 “Don’t worry about anything but pray about everything…” I called it my Hakuna Matata verse…enter Timon & Pumba’s voice here:”it means no worries for the rest of your days…”

But this verse just wasn’t “working” for me. It’s not that I didn’t believe these things. It’s not like I didn’t know that God was in total control of my life and He loves me so much that I should have nothing to be afraid of or worry about. But as much as my heart wanted to believe it, my mind and body had a hard time listening and applying that truth. There were times that the Scriptures sounded hollow. But I knew how important it was to keep seeking truth-- even when I didn’t feel like it. Especially when I didn’t feel like it.

One Sunday, my friend Rayellen  shared her story about going through the hardship of a miscarriage and she encouraged us that “even when we don’t feel like singing, to let someone sing over you…even when you don’t feel like reading Scriptures, let them be read over you…” She put to words what I felt like I had been doing over the course of this year in Bible Studies, in Worship services, in Counseling sessions. Letting Truth just wash over me- - in moments where seeking it myself almost felt impossible.

And God was so faithful to meet me and speak to me during those moments. Here are some of the nuggets of Truth:

Jesus shares my Suffering

My good friend Leah pointed something special out to me..JESUS had a panic attack. Jesus!! The perfect God-man who was Sinless!! In the garden of Gethsemane as Jesus prayed, he dripped sweat drops of blood. This condition is said to occur during times of high stress, acute fear and intense mental contemplation. Jesus himself has a crazy physical reaction in his body during a time of high stress. And I can bet he experienced some pounding heartbeats and shortness of breath along with that.  It is NOT sinful for my body to react the way it does. What freedom there is in that thought! And what is even sweeter is that My sweet Savior can totally sympathize with me in my weakness. He has been there and He understands my heart, mind AND body.

We can follow the example of Jesus’ suffering in our own sufferings. Last fall, our church did a whole sermon series on Suffering and each and every sermon gave me Words I really needed to hear. 

My favorite sermon was looking at the ways in which Jesus suffered well. I don’t have the space to write about it here, but encourage you to give it a listen.

My Suffering should be my Servant NOT my Master

I was longing and longing to get out of my bondage to panic attacks and anxiety. So tired of the suffering. So ready to be healed. I remember wondering how on earth God expected me to be a good wife and mom while I suffered with this. That if he would just heal me, then I could jump into some kind of ministry and serve others.

Finally, I realized that I needed to allow my suffering to be my servant NOT my Master (a thought from my favorite sermon).  I had let my suffering be an excuse and was letting it rule over me.

Why did I continue to ask God to take my Thorn away, when He was using it to teach me that His Grace was sufficient for me as I parented my children? (2 Cornin 12:9) What if God could use every rush of adrenaline and pounding heart beat to remind me of the need for God’s power in my life?

What if I could minister to others BECAUSE of my suffering with anxiety and not IN SPITE OF it?

And this is exactly what God has done. My suffering has served to open up such a wide door of ministry to others that never would of happened otherwise. I have gained SO SO much understanding and compassion on those with mental disorders. Sharing my weakness with others has been a blessing as I’ve been able to comfort others with the Same comfort God has comforted me with.

My suffering has served as a way to see God take care of me through the hands of others. And it has also served as a way to deepen my relationships with others. So many women (and men) who have shared their story with me and given me comfort that I am not alone. So many sweet friends praying for me. Friends and Family helping out in practical ways, like giving me rides when I didn’t feel like driving or talking on the phone to me in some dark moments. And of course my sweet husband who has been so kind and understanding through it all. Figuring out a more flexible work schedule when I felt my worst, helping out with certain tasks I just couldn’t handle, and being a listening ear. What a blessing.

God is not Safe.….But He is Good

This beautiful idea is taken from Narnia and is one I am still trying to come to terms with. Sometimes seeking God himself is the very thing that makes me nervous. I’ve felt almost so comfortable in my fears that I’ve had a hard time letting them go. Like if I let go of the fear, then I would let go of some sense of control over a situation. And I am one who want to control-control-control!

And when I can’t control things I freak out.  I can’t control my children’s heartbeats, I can’t control crazy drivers on the road, I can’t control the crazy rainstorms. The idea that my very life and breath and that of my family are totally 100% out of my hands is a thought that has caused much anxiety for me. But GOD is Good. My verse of comfort is:

 Isaiah 46:4

“Even I to your old age and gray hairs

I will carry you.

I have MADE, I will BEAR,

I will CARRY, and I will SAVE.”

My tendency up until recently has been to totally distract myself away from any kind of anxious or scary thought. To totally run away and think of something lighthearted. It was working great for me! BUT recently I was challenged by a testimony at a Women’s luncheon to face my fears head-on and not run away from them. To stop and think that even if that scary thought does happen-God is still good. Even if this horrible thing happens-God is still good-Blessed be the Name of the Lord whether He gives or Takes Away. This has been really hard for me and really takes a leap of trust as I turn over each thought to Him.

My dear friend Amanda encouraged me to “Turn my anxiety into anticipation for what God will do.” I hope eventually I can get to that point!

Katie Joy is Graduated!

My littlest sister graduated high school this weekend! Not only did she graduate, but she graduated number 15 in her class or 600+ She is a smart lady.

As her big-big sister being 10 years older, I got to share in the joy of seeing her grow up and was almost like a little Momma to her. I was telling her the other day that I remembered more of her childhood then she did! I changed her diapers (not very well) and made her meals of spagettiOs. We had lots of dance parties. She was always following me and my other sister all around the house. I went to lots of her special events, from Kindergarten graduation, choir concerts, dance recitals, fashion shows an on to her high school graduation. She is one of the reasons I went into teaching because being around her helped me realize I liked working with kids. She is also a big reason I stayed out of trouble (for the most part) in my high school/college years, because I wanted to set a good example for her. I'm so proud of her and know she will do great as she moves to this next stage of life. I'm excited to keep watching her grow up!

When I was 13, I wrote a little poem about my baby sister and how her life looked as a 3 year old. Here it is:

And so for this special occasion I decided to recreate this poem to describe her as an 18 year old:

Anxiety

Ok, I think I’m finally ready to share my deepest darkest secret with the world. And I need to write this blog for myself and for others who may need to hear it.

I suffer with Anxiety. Horrible, elephant on my chest*... panic attack…anxiety….

Yes! Me!  Can you believe it? I couldn’t either for a long time.

But now I do. Hi, I’m Bri-I love Jesus, I have a wonderful family, and love to have fun…. and I suffer from Anxiety. Where does it come from? Well here is just a little medical info with Bri’s lingo.

My Doctor said my cortisol levels are so high that it makes me constantly feel as if 10 DINOSAURS are chasing me. Most of her patients with high cortisol has only have ONE dinosaur. Your cortisol is your “fight or flight hormone” that prepares you for danger-makes your heart rate increase, helps you breathe quickly for more oxygen, makes your stomach ready to empty itself so it can run faster. Cortisol is good in the right situation like when facing a dinosaur. But for me, my body thinks my everyday stresses of life is worth putting out boo-coos  of cortisol. Driving on a highway, being in crowded places, hearing my children fighting or being super whiny are all situations that can set me off. The cortisol makes my heart race, my chest to tighten and sometimes causes me to hyperventilate which can lead to dizziness and shakiness. It can really feel like a heart attack-which of course increases further panic. I’ve needed a few hospitals and Doctor visits to convince me I didn’t have any heart of lung problems. NOT fun. Some days it is more mild and I just feel a little more “on edge” as I call it and feel these symptoms to a more milder degree. But nonetheless, I can feel a rush of cortisol through my bloodstream pretty constantly.

It started when I became a Mommy. Well, to be fair I‘ve always been a bit of a nervous person and visited the bathroom often during big moments such as the first day of school. But those were very situational times of nervousness. Now, it occurs in daily life. The panic attacks began when Motherhood did. And more specifically, during the past year or so. Where did they come from? My mind or my body? As my Doctor says, that question has the same answers as the “chicken and the egg” question. They are very- very interrelated.

Sometimes, it seems purely physical, I haven’t been worried about anything, life is going as normal, yet I still feel those short of breath/heart racy/ shakey feelings. Many of my hormones, thyroid levels, and nutritional markers are all out of whack. My body is responding to all that stress within the body itself. This is made evident by the fact that I feel better during certain times of the month and even certain times of the day. I also feel differently based on what I've been eating or NOT eating. 

It is also due to the natural worries & fears that come with Motherhood.  I recently read a blog about how Mom’s are “hypervigilant”-always aware of dangers around their kids. So I am that much closer to the need of releasing that cortisol with my two boys. This blogger also goes onto talk about how multi-tasking can increase your cortisol. Oh my, multitasking is my middle name-no wonder I have cortisol issues! And worries definitely exasperate the symptoms. I can be my own worst enemy.  Hearing a horrible news story, relaying the details over and over in my head and imagining my own family suffering a horrible tragedy is NOT helpful. Allowing the behavior of my children to stress out my body and brain so much that all I can do is weep or yell, is not good for those stress levels either.  Googling over and over again my symptoms can sure make it worse too.  And sometimes I panic about having a panic attack..a vicious cycle! Even right now, I am anxious about posting this blog!

Thankfully, I have learned through this past year to manage anxiety in a way that it does not take over my life. And those things I will share in another blog….to be continued!!! I’ll give you a hint though…it involves evaluating both the heart AND the body.

**Thank you Ellie Holcomb for that illustration..she is a Christian singer/songwriter who shared at an event about her own struggles with panic attacks.

2014 the PLaYdOugH Year

As I thought through this past year, reading my journal and flipping through out calendar, I tried to come up with a good theme. Nothing big changed in our lives like in 2012 and we didn’t rest like we did in 2013. But in 2014, we experienced a lot of molding and shaping. Hence…the "Playdough Year." Not to mention, we had our hands in that colorful stuff pretty often!

The Lord is slowly and faithfully molding us to be more like Him. Some days His hands bring tears and other days it brings joy. He is our Potter and we are His clay…..or in preschool lingo....we are His playdough. :) He’s been busy making our hearts colorful and full of beauty. 

Molding Our Home

The Lord has shown me ways that I can be join Him in being a Potter for my home by shaping the hearts of my children. The boys are 2 and 3 years old, and we struggle daily with discipline. Teaching obedience, sharing, gentleness, respect, kindness, and self control are much harder to teach then the ABCs or numbers! This requires a constant shaping of my own heart toward the grace and wisdom of God. We put many Bible verses to memory and song this year. We quote them often when dealing with a rough situation. “Be kind to one another-Ephesians 4:32” we sing often! I’m also so thankful for the show “Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood” where we have picked up lots of songs about how to deal with all the tough situations facing preschoolers (like taking turns, waiting patiently, and handling anger)! There are many days I bury my head in frustration, but I know the molding our home will constantly be a work in progress and the Lord is faithful to help me endure!

I also have a great responsibility to shape their little minds. This year I have done more intentional educational activities with them. “Homeschool” if you will. My degree in early childhood education is finally been put to use and I love it! The bulletin boards in the dining room are filled with artwork of letters, shapes, numbers, etc. Our shelves are full of library books and fun "keep them busy" learning games. Their favorite books this year include such classics as “Go Dog Go” and “Are you My Mother?” The favorite songs they enjoyed singing at the top of their lungs (in the car especially) were “The ABC Song,” “Jesus Loves Me,” “The Wheels on the Bus” and of course the all time favorite…the “Happy Birthday” song. Their favorite things to play includes legos, cars, trains, balls, and wrestling..lots of wrestling..oh and don’t forget tickling! It was a fun filled year of learning and play!

The 3 year old

This has been a big year for character shaping for our oldest little guy. He is full of life, and energy, and gusto and channeling that energy into something good is always our goal! I definitely see sports in his future for his very physical and active personality. He is very talkative and I increasingly see him as having an extroverted personality (not sure where he got that from!) He’s the kid who always yells out the answer when the teacher asks a question. His mind is a sponge as he absorbs anything and everything little he hears, reads, or sees. He has enjoyed his first year of Zoo preschool this year. He has one morning to learn in a classroom setting and then visits an animal in it's zoo habitat.  Another morning while Mommy attends Bible Study, he attends “church school”. Some sweet friendships have formed for him (and me!) We go on play-dates to the park, science museum, library, & zoo. He also loves getting to spend time with family and always asks if we can go to Mimi's house or Nana's house. (He loves you too Ron Bob and Papa Bear!) He has a lot of loud crazy fun with his cousin Declan and his little brother Gage, born early this year.

The 2 year old

It has been really fun this year to see the personality that God is shaping for our littlest man. He has grown and changed a lot this year and looks more and more like his Daddy. He has a very caring side to him and always wants to make sure his brother (and sometimes Mommy) has a toy..or snack..or whatever similar to his. His language development has taken off this year as he mimics all the words big brother says. My favorite things to hear him say are: “Ohh-K” “Thanks” and “I did it!”His love for anything round, whether a balloon or a ball has been a trademark of his personality. He even had a balloon themed birthday party this year! He can throw and catch any ball like a pro. I see tee ball in his future. He has enjoyed going to a preschool music class this year and loves to play loud instruments and sing songs.

Shaping Bri’s Faith

This year God used a little bit of rough chiseling to refine my faith. I faced some health issues due to thyroid and hormone imbalances. The increased anxiety from these imbalances became an annoying thorn in my flesh. But God used this to show me that His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in my weakness. That verse had never come so alive to me as it did this year. God surrounded me with many friends who provided much encouragement and went through similar problems. I’m so thankful for our church and women I have met through Bible studies and Mom’s groups.  I also found an amazing holistic Doctor and already feel much better after trying some of the things she suggested..plus I don’t even miss gluten all that much!

God worked at shaping my habits are in the areas of nutrition and wellness. I’ve become one of those “crunchy” Moms who is all about living in a more natural way. There are weird things in my fridge right now like kombucha, elderberry syrup, and fermented pickles. Things I had never even heard of a year ago! I got into using essential oils in place of many medicines. I also use things like raw honey as cough syrup. I don’t even want to tell you about the weird homemade products in my shower! It has been quite a learning experience. God has given us all of these things he created and I have had fun putting them to use!

Shaping Brodie’s Character

God has been at work shaping Brodie’s character as a husband & father. He was supportive and understanding through my mess of health issues. Though he is at work all day, when he comes home he jumps right into the thick of the mess. He is the official bathtime supervisor because by the end of the day I sure don’t have the energy for that! He learned right alongside me ways in which to shape the hearts and minds of our children and is very purposeful in his discipline. The boys know their Daddy as the guy who fixes everything. When something like a toy breaks, they know Daddy will fix it when he gets home!

This year at work, God shaped Brodie's leadership skills.  He has been with the same company 9 years and is now one of the more experienced guys there now. He trains up the new guys and manages their responsibilities with grace (most of the time). God has also given him a wonderful new boss this year that has helped smooth out a lot of bumps in the office. Brodie took his first business trip overseas this year and really enjoyed eating the authentic Korean barbecue, kimchi and anchovy salad!

This November, Brodie had the privilege of speaking at the funeral for my grandfather, “Pappy”. Preparing for the message felt natural to him, brought him joy and was something that he knew God wanted him to do. We hope the message was encouraging to all my family as they remember God is the bringer of comfort and He can turn our mourning into dancing.

So..how has God shaped your family this year?

10 year High School Reunion

That classic Senior yearbook pic

10 years!!! How did I get so old!!!


My 10 year high school reunion is coming up which has got me thinking about these past 10 years. I may not have invented Post-Its like my two favorite ladies of a certain 90s movie, but I have had quite a full 10 years! I was going to write a blog about what I've been doing... but nah....you can easily watch my "Facebook movie" to get the gist of that.

So instead I decided to write a list of the things I would tell me 17 year old self if I could go back in time 10 years ago. If you happen to be 17..(cough..cough..Katie Joy..) you may want to pay attention. This is 10 years of wisdom in the making!

What my 28 year old self would tell my 17 year old self:

1. Step away from the tanning bed. 

2. Just because it is cereal does not make a Rice Crispy Treat a good breakfast. Same goes for the juice in fruit snacks! 

3. You may not know him now, but your body and your heart both belong to your husband. Guard them with all your might...then when that's not enough ask for help.

4. Seek out a godly mentor to help you sort through these impressionable times of your life.  

5. Buy some stock in a little company called Amazon. They won't just be selling your college textbooks for long.

6. A year from now after you made it into college no one will care about your SAT score, GPA, Honor Societies, drill team rank, "Who's Who" books, jewels in your class ring, or patches on your letterman jacket. Enjoy them now, but don't spend too much money on these things!

7. Go help your Momma make dinner and clean the house! And stop wasting your Daddy's money at the mall and movies! They do a lot for you, help them out a little.

8. Curfews were made to keep you safe, please abide by them. Nothing good ever happens after midnight!

9. You are more beautiful then you think. Especially in the eyes of your Creator, and His eyes are the ones that truly matter.

10. Be grateful you are a bit nerdy and quiet. It's God gracious way of keeping you out of too much trouble and close to His heart.